I work very hard at making an ass of myself. I’m usually the punchline to my own jokes, mostly because I figure nobody can be offended by the ridiculous bullshit I say if I say it about myself.
Yet, I’m offended by people who don’t take me seriously. I have carefully cultivated one image and presented it to them, but I want them to have an opinion of me that is the complete opposite. Laugh at the dancing monkey, but understand that when he stops dancing your continued amusement may come across poorly.
Ideally what I would like is to have a small (easily totable) friend who I can bring out and humiliate in social scenarios needing a bit of levity, so that people will think I’m an asshole and not a fucking idiot.
Not at all like an agri-gator, an aggregator is a website which lets you bypass the Internet to be more efficiently fed only the content your peers have selected for you in advance. A lot of people love aggregators, myself included, because they sure do save a lot of time.
When I say I love aggregators though, I don’t mean that I love them at all, because I hate them. “Love” was a really bad choice of words. I hate everything about aggregators and what they have done to the Internet, but I love and depend on the convenience they provide and continue to use them in spite of my apparently strong stance against them.
There are several problems with aggregators, and I will eventually list them off and act very upset about each one. First though, I’ll name three random colors that I think will help to set a mood for the rest of this post.
The colors are Red, Black, and Hatred.
Is this going to be a post about the good old days of the Internet?
Yes. Because the Internet used to be good. Now that everyone is using it, it’s all full up with bad.
In order to address the issue of there being way too much shit on the Internet, a bunch of smarmy cunts started websites which stole choice content from all over the place and presented it as a sort of Best-Of. The concept of eBaum’s World is essentially the same as Digg or Fark, except that the latter two link to remote content to save money on bandwidth.
A lot of content creators are actually really happy with the way that Digg and similar sites work. They write a very clever piece and submit it to all of the big aggregators, and when it hits the front page they are flooded with hundreds of thousands of visitors over the span of an hour or two. It’s very exciting. Then their server crashes, and they couldn’t be any happier about it.
Now, I’ve had articles on Fark, Digg and a bunch of other places, and I’ll tell you that of the several million people who read that one article I wrote about wiping my ass, not a single one of them remembers who I am or what the name of the website with the poopoo joke was. I tracked the behavior of people visiting said poo joke, and literally like five dudes bothered to check out the homepage of the site after reading it. At the end of the day all it did was inconvenience the people who actually visited that website regularly.
The point is that where once there was a relationship between content creators and the users of their websites, there is now an impersonal comments page on a third-party site linking to their content. Smaller communities do exist, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to be successful on the Internet without having everything you post make the front page of Digg, which is itself no longer achieved merely by creating quality content.
So why even have your own website? You should post directly to aggregator.com/dotsuck!
Well, this is the concept behind sites like YouTube. You create content for them, by their format and their rules, so that they can profit from it. It’s the best deal ever! Going back to the eBaum’s World comparison, the Internet is now a place where people willingly donate all of their work to Eric Bauman, agree to give him the rights, and feel a sense of pride in how much money he is making. There are countless websites which work this way today.
You actually have a much better chance of developing a following through a service like Tumblr than you do by creating your own website. You’re better off putting less effort into your work online. Sign up for a service which caters to people who do the kinds of things you want to do and you will have a built-in audience. Hey, you may have to accept that you are creatively limited this way, but at least people are paying attention to your shit, right?
No, nobody cares. Most of your followers are likely following the entire rest of the Internet as well, and they barely have the time to skim the titles on the first page of new additions when they get home from work. Further, they’re probably there to foster their own online following, so you’re really just a collective of conceited pricks who largely ignore each other.
The problem with lumping everybody together into a feed is that often times nothing really stands out, and since people no longer go to specific websites for specific information or experiences, they care infinitely less about every piece of content on the page. The average web surfer now defaults to a bored, drooling state in which they refresh all of their tabs in sequence before starting over in an infinite cycle which knows no end.
This is outrageous! What are you going to do about this shit?
Pretty much nothing; I’m just complaining. The Internet isn’t going back to the way it used to be, and no number of hate-filled posts by me will ever change that, though I’ll keep writing them.
The state of things today is the result of a very natural evolution. It won’t be long before, net neutrality or not, there will be only five relevant websites left, each of them overloaded with more content per minute than used to be produced in a year. If you want to be a part of that cacophony you’ll have to sign the rights to your content away to the publisher and agree to their terms of use, kind of like you do today.
Oh sure, tinfoil hat you say, but the Internet today is closer to that reality than it is to the glory of ten years ago.
When the apocalypse comes I will, of course, still be sitting in a dark, musty room complaining about things I have no intention of changing.
Christoph: Hey you. Nobody on this website will RP playing Quake with me.
Girl: whattt?
Christoph: Do people not even know what Quake is anymore?
Girl: i don’t know what it is
Christoph: Well, it’s a first-person shooter. Basically all you would have to do to roleplay with me is appear in a big room, then get shot in the back of the head by my railgun.
Girl: ok…
Christoph: You have to be clear about what you’re doing so we stay on the same page. Did you appear in the room?
Girl: lol yea
Christoph: I’m having sex with your helmet.
My account was recently suspended because a payment failed to go through. My billing information had changed since the last time I made a payment here, and had not been updated. My bad.
I logged in immediately and saw the payment due, so I updated my billing information and paid the balance. The page simply refreshed at that point, with neither a confirmation nor an error displayed. I have checked to be sure that my bank account was debited and that the payment went through however, and it did.
It has been several days since, and my website still displays an “Account Suspended” notice (which is very ugly). I am unable to manage it in any way, or even see my websites listed. Heavens!
I am frustrated with this situation, and worried that no information was given when I submitted the payment. Not an email or a page of information, or a simple “payment received!” confirmation. All I have to go by is that you have taken money out of my bank account, but having less money seems not to comfort me at all.
If the missed payment was coincidental and not the issue, and there is some other reason for the suspension of my account, I have no information whatsoever on it. I have no information either regarding how to see the suspension lifted.
So, my inevitable conclusion is that you hate me. And that makes me super sad.
-Christoph
———-
Hello,
Thank you for writing. I see that your renewal payment has successfully gone through, but that your account did not automatically unsuspend as it should have. I am terribly sorry for that. Your account should now be active and up to date in our billing system. I will pass your suggestions onto our engineers also.
-Jessica
I had been under the impression that if they pulled a tooth, they would put in a new tooth. I guess you’re supposed to ask. It all happened so quickly, and I wasn’t briefed in advance. I just had a toothache is all.
She was like, “Do you want me to take the tooth out?”
Not especially. Should it come out? I hadn’t thought about it. What I said though was, “Well, how long would that take?”
“Only a minute.”
“Oh, okay.”
I mean, what can you say to that? That’s really quite fast.
Kim came into the room, and she was all like hey you we’ve got to get going what the fuck blah blah, so I stepped in on the Dentist’s behalf and explained that it would only be a moment. Kim, too, could say nothing against such efficiency, so she left the room. A moment later I rejoined her outside and said, “They pulled my tooth out.”
So we left.
And.
So.
I think being a massive douche to everybody is going out of style. Or, I’m getting older and just can’t get away with it anymore. Either way, I’m going to need a new persona.
I’m going to start by smiling at people. Children at first, and it’s going to be pretty creepy, but once I’m a little more practiced I might be able to make it seem genuine, at which point I can start smiling at adults who understand the subtleties of different smiles.
Once I have smiling down I’m going to work on taking an interest. As things stand, when you mention the score in the football game or whatever happened last night on your favorite show, my response is inevitably going to be mocking and superior. Soon I will not only smile and banter with you, but I will start watching all of the popular television programs (unless football is on) so that I can better integrate myself into previously awkward social scenarios.
When all is said and done I will be happy (looking) and you will (pretend to) like me more. This is what life is about, and I’m looking forward to living it with you. Exclamation point!
Forgive the interruuupption, but I seem to have lost my way. Would either of you girls *sniff* be able to help me out, at all? I can make it worth your trouble, oh yes I caaaan, and I won’t be long, I promise. What do you say? Ah ha ha ha!
Oh, good! Veeeerrry goooood! You’ve made me so happy! It’s rare that you find two young people, such as yourselves, who are so willing to lend a hand to a complete stranger, such as meeee. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since anyone responded so waaarmly to me!
What’s that? No, oh no, ah ha ha ha! I didn’t mean to imply that I ask this of people very often. I was… I was speaking in broad terms, see, because young people are generally quite self-absorbed. Don’t you think so? I mean not you two, but it’s a fair stereotype, I think. Hm?
Oh right, my question. Silly me, always babbling ooon and oooon, ah ha! Well as I said, I’ve lost my way, and I don’t know the area. I was headed to visit with… a friieeend, who is uhm… well I don’t need to tell you their life’s story very well then do I? No, no I don’t think that I dooo.
Must you pry? Young people are so invasive! It shows little tact you know, badgering a person about their private business! Perhaps you shouldn’t do that anymore, hmmm? I don’t think that you should.
Well yes I know I was asking you a question, but it’s not important who I was meeting, I just need to find my way to where they are. But now if I tell you where I’m meeting with them you’re just going to end up following me, nosey as you are, or you’ll try to beat me there and cause some sort of a scene! I know you will – you can’t deny you will!
No, I’m going to skip it. That’s right, I’m going to forgo all of my plans for the day and let down another human being, leaving them to waaait and to wonder, ah ha ha, and it’s all your fault isn’t it? Yes it most certainly is! You’ll have to live with his disappointment on your consciences. HA! *snort*
I’m not going to go hooome, either. You’ll follow me, stalkers that you are, and wait outside my window at night to kill me in my sleep. That’s very inappropriate — your parents would be ashaaaaamed of you! If indeed you have any parents, street urchins and scum such as you aaare.
I’ve decided that I’m going to die here. Yes, I’m going to sit right here on the sidewalk and wait for death, simply to spite you! Ah ha ha, haaaa! You thought you could best me didn’t you? But I’m having the last laugh now, foolish girls. Watch as I suffer and decay before your very eyes!
I bet you’re not feeling quite so clever now, aaaare you?